Tribalism versus Shepherding

Tribalism is a real problem.  I'm not talking about being proud of your heritage, your traditions, and your family.  I'm talking about tribalism - that which divides.

Too many of us suffer from the innate human condition of tribalism.  Tribal thinking is what causes one person or group to look at another and say "you are inferior."  It causes groups to say "we don't have to listen to you."  It doesn't matter who we are, we can easily get caught up in this.

In fact, I think the church is particularly susceptible to this.  We can easily end up as our own little denominational tribe, with our leader who we follow (the pastor), and our tribal rites (dress, language, habits) that we indoctrinate people into.

Tribalism says: "I am the leader. Do what I tell you.  I've earned this. You must come to me to learn how to think."  And most people happily promote this, because it's how we are wired, bringing others to hear their wise leader, except those who angrily sit and wonder why they are not the tribe leader, or those who, realising they actually need community, leave.

Jesus never said, "Come with me, and I will make you a tribal leader."  He said "I am the Shepherd.  Be continually feeding and caring for my sheep."

The assistant shepherd doesn't look at the sheep and say: "once you've learned to grow the grass yourselves, I'll show you how to eat it."  The carer moves the sheep to the food.  Or brings the food to the sheep.

The assistant shepherd doesn't say: "hey, you're about to be devoured.  Come on Sunday and listen to my sermon and I'll tell you what you're doing wrong and how to avoid being eaten."  The carer says "Crap, there's lion over there, I'd better get off my backside and go kill it."

The assistant shepherd doesn't say to the sheep: "until you become enough like me, I won't spend any time with you.  In fact, unless you come to me, search me out, and agree with me, you're not worth spending time with."  The carer carefully checks on all the sheep, searching them out, making sure they are all there, their physical needs are being met, and goes after the ones who drift off from the flock.

But a lot of us inadvertently fall into tribalism instead, where we frown on tattoos, unmarried couples, people who we think should be taking better care of themselves,  people who are depressed, struggling or lonely and say "well, if they'd just come to church and follow these principles, they'd be fine."  Yeah, the pharisees and religious leaders tried that years ago, and Jesus got pretty fed up with it.    Worldly thinking says, "until you do it right, I can't help you."  Jesus said, "No one will ever get it 100% right. Period.  So I'm walking into your door, and giving you what you are asking for.  Now, go and do the same for each other."

Jesus always addressed the physical need first.  Even with the woman who was caught in adultery.  He didn't say "Why did you not follow these teachings, see what a terrible spot you are in now?" or "Can I give a turkey dinner at Christmas?"  He stepped in and stopped her from being physically killed.   He had a talk with her afterwards about stuff, but not until he'd helped her out of a bad place.

Look, I fail at this stuff, a LOT.  And yet I know people who are really good at helping others. But we must all step out of our tribal mindset, and actually knock on each other's doors, especially those we don't see coming anymore.

Find out who they are, what their challenges are, and roll up our sleeves and ask them what they actually need - someone to visit them, a light bulb changed, a trip to the grocery store, lawns mowed, a drive to the doctor's, a job, or everyone pitching in to help someone pay their mortgage or rent or utilities, so they can stay where they and not go through the trauma of moving and everyone simply expecting they need get their heads on straight and that they'll find another church once they do move...and then (here's the critical part)...

GIVE them the help.  Not once, not twice, but ALL THE TIME.  Just like forgiveness, there is no limit to sharing each others' burdens.  50 or 100 or 200 people sharing the load of helping each other makes the load pretty light.  But what a light in the world the community that does so will be!

Hidden Eclectia

I've been trying to create a cozy office for myself.  And create a bit of style and coziness in the bedrooms. Since we are in a rental (the normal state for many Australians, given the price of houses here), we can't just anchor shelves and pictures to the walls, so a lot of stuff is on the surfaces of other stuff.  A good portion is still in boxes, since our last home had built in shelves in the lounge, and this one is smaller and doesn't.

A lot of my stuff doesn't match.  It hasn't for a long time.  I love matching up floral things (I'm as surprised as you are).  Couches, carpets, cups.  Homey country hangings. Colour coordinated rooms.  And then there are times where I admire the functional, sleek, minimalistic style of decor. Or the really old, dignified antique-filled room.  Or beautiful tiles and tapestries.  But, in spite of my admiration of matching themes and decorator talent, most of our belongings adhere to the Avant Garage Sale school of design. 

So unintentionally, I have created an eclectic style.  A little bit of this, a little bit of that.  Hidden joys, sometimes used, sometimes forgotten, sometimes packed away just waiting to be rediscovered.

My life is like that.  It's pretty eclectic.  There are talents I've used, talents I've found, talents I've yet learn and grow.  My friends are pretty diverse lot, too. And that's probably a good thing.  If we hang out too much with people who are just like us, we lose opportunities to grow, to help, to enjoy.

Life certainly isn't neatly packaged, colour-coordinated and delivered according to schedule, no matter how much we try to make it so.  So open a few dusty boxes.  Enjoy the eclectia.

What Is All This Life Jargon, Anyway?

Every few years, a new bit of jargon becomes popular.  In business, it might be "Provide Excellence."  If we're talking about how we live our life in general, it might be "Live Intentionally," or "Be The Change."

But if you look at those phrases, do they really mean anything?  I'm not sure "intentional" is a real word, anyway.

I found myself focusing on "intentional" living lately.  It's not just intending to do something.  I can intend to buy my husband's favourite treat (a brandy snap filled with cream), give one to him and eat one myself...but if I'm living by how I feel, my intention goes out the window, and the second brandy snap works its way to my hips.  Because I will always feel like eating his brandy snap, if I keep giving in to that feeling.

This "Living Intentionally" is about putting a plan in place, and actually following it, one way or another.  I can give my husband his brandy snap first...or, if I find myself not choosing to do that, just buy one, so I don't eat them both.  (There's nothing in my mouth...really.)

Planning and reviewing our day, week, month and year is part of it.  With what we actually want to achieve in mind. Notice I didn't say just what was necessary.  What do you actually want, deep down? Your life can look like anything, so what do you really want it to look like?  If you want to be in control of your emotions, what experts do you need to read, and what do you need to change in your behaviour and thought patterns?  If you want to have better finances, what mindset, spending and savings habits do you need to focus on?  What kind of negative thinking about people who are in control of their own finances do you need to nip in the bud?  If you want your home to look like it could be featured in a magazine, what do you need to do daily to achieve that?  If you want to have a different kind of relationship with someone, or a better relationship with your Creator, what kinds of thoughts, actions and responses do you need to cultivate?

If it seems hard or overwhelming, or you have a lot of areas you want to work on, don't get bogged down in the idea of some amazing, hour-long Session Of Perfection every morning and evening. Just start.  Create little Road Maps, and little Must Do lists.  Because if something interrupts us (illness, circumstances, our emotions), we need to have that map to get us immediately on back a proper road, even if it's not our original route.

Make your maps fun and enjoyable.  Feel free to doodle on it.  Use single words, or lots of words, if that's your style.  Don't wait until next month, next week, or even tomorrow. If you have to write on a piece of scrap paper, and start a notebook later, do it.  Forget about "intending" -- actually do what you intend.

The Loneliest Party And Other Metaphors

I've had a few life lessons.  OK, yes, more than a few...but I probably haven't learned them...

A hard one has been what I call "If you keep throwing pity parties, eventually no one will come to any of your parties.  Not even the good ones."

At several points in my life, when my major, deep conversations with the people I wished to be closest to kept centring around my particular life-drama (we'll call that the "boo hoo factor"), well, people got tired of it.  They were genuinely concerned, always wished better for me, and even reached out to help me. The truth is, I've been very blessed with amazing help from amazing people.  But...

I wore them out.  I sucked the life-force from them when I was around.  And people eventually have to protect themselves from having their life-force sucked out.

I had to learn that my friends were not my therapists, nor were they responsible for fixing my life.  And...here's the kicker... there is no way possible in the universe for them to do the hard stuff FOR ME that I needed to do to improve my own relationships, moods and life situations.

Until I started changing, and eventually admitted that I was staying in my pity-party mode because it gave me some kind of weird, freakish self-satisfaction, and possibly at a deeper level, a sense of self-righteousness about how I thought others should fix my life, I was stuck there, derailed and crashed, an angry/unhappy little train waiting for the cleanup crew.  And no-one is interested in returning to a train wreck all the time.

Because no matter how badly I wanted my pity-party approach to change my life for the better and make people like me better than anyone else they knew, it was never going to.

I had to learn to pick up the phone and call people to go out and have a good time.  Just like everyone else has to do. I had to learn to say yes to stuff.  Just like everyone else has to do.  I had to learn to find out what I needed to change in my own behaviour and thinking.  Just like everyone else has to do.  I had to learn to try again.  And again.  And I absolutely had to learn to stop with the excuses.  (Although I didn't call it "excuses."  I called it "reasons" because they made sense to me.) I had to learn to try, and adapt, and learn that, for whatever reason, we all have weird, ingrained habits and thinking, but they need to be changed to live healthier and happier lives.


I also had to learn to protect my own mind and heart so that I didn't derail into a giant heap all the time.  We do this by choosing.  What we say to others.  What we say to ourselves. What we write. What we focus on. Who we hang around.  What we read, listen to or watch and fill our minds and thoughts with.

So, "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."  No matter what your own particular challenges are, you can do this.  It really is your choice.  It will do you a universe of good.